We are posting a transcript of what we said in our most recent non-singing video because some people have said they are unable to load it on youtube.
I’m truthfully having a bit of trouble making this post because in addition to it being really triggering for us already, I was just interrupted midway through writing the title by a stranger who I suspect was sent to trigger me so I couldn’t continue. I am at this point, however, determined beyond all conception to get this posted, so I’m going to keep going as best I can.
Here is the video for anyone who happens to be able to watch it: https://youtu.be/vPIt-OWzdEI
Its description says:
In this video, we share some of our thoughts on our first video from where we are at in our integration process now, over two years later. For those who haven’t seen it or want to see it again, that video can be found here: https://youtu.be/1_KBStZ18x0
Some potentially triggering topics mentioned include: scripting this video, eidetic memory, autism, integration amongst dissociative identities, mirrored language, ra/mc and deprogramming/preventing accessing, miracles, narcopathic father, hyper empathy, terror/anxiety, higher power, psilocybin, nonduality, self-care/soothing, drug/sex addiction and recovery, polyamory/kink/lgbtq, weed and psych meds, being trolled
We’d also like to give a warning that we briefly used profanity around 7-8 minutes and at around 8:40, we cleared our throat at an awkward time and then made a comment about it (cause we’re cool like that).
We just realized we forgot to include a link to our playlist about recovery from substance abuse (our apologies): https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLtLfUhTHFspKGuhODUfWS0qla_mGHocrg&feature=share
What we said:
Hi guys, this is Dylan and this is our first attempt at writing a fully scripted video. In the past, we have used our eidetic memory to help us plan out parts of what we wanted to say ahead of time, but we’ve never actually written a script like this for ourselves to read in any of these videos before.
We have, however, decided that in order to at least get started with this series, this is the way that we as an autistic, actively integrating dissociative need to do it, so here we are.
In this video, we are going to be reviewing our first video, which we recorded and posted over two years ago.
To start, we would like to share the sentence in the video that we think encapsulates where we were at and the message we were trying to communicate the most. I want to preface this by saying that we unintentionally used mirrored language, so this may be triggering for some survivors of ra/mc.
The sentence was:
“I do still have many dissociative parts, I still do struggle, like I said, with programming, but I’m able to make this video and that’s a miracle.”
In watching the video over in preparation for this one, these words stuck out to me in part because of the mirrored language. One of the biggest fears we had in coming forward was that we would unintentionally trigger people due to programming, both past and present, and simple human error.
Speaking in mirrors is a common programming technique and while I know that we meant no harm to anyone whatsoever, it scares us that we have done it on our channel.
That being said, one of the things we have gained since we made that video is a lot more understanding for ourselves around such things. We now know on a much corer level that we could remove all programs in our system and be completely free from accessing for some time and still speak in ways that are reflective of the cult because we grew up there. Our life was saturated in it. It was our culture, our life, our family, our world in so many ways and we can hate it and be horrified by it, but we will always reflect it in some way, no matter how subtly, and we need to accept that if we are to move forward in our healing.
Now that I’ve watched the video over, I don’t feel so tormented by it, but I was deeply afraid to even watch it because of how much the alter speaking reminded me of my father at that time. While the energy with which they made the video was one of hyper empathy for our fellow victims, many of them his, they had clearly spent a lot of time around him as a child, absorbing his manner of speaking. And because we are autistic, we are used to people confusing our way of speaking with that of a narcissist or sociopath already, so the idea of sounding like our narcopathic father scares us to the core. But yeah, I feel a lot less triggered around that now cause I can see how deeply that part was speaking out of love.
So the other reason that I wanted to start with that quote was the acknowledgement that being able to make that video in the state I was in was a miracle. At the time, I was so terrified, I do not have the words to describe it. I still don’t have the words to describe how much terror I feel even now, but back then it was so much worse and the courage to get started really was a miracle.
I was actually just talking to my partner yesterday about how it felt like a miracle when I sang on the street for the first time, a few months before I created this channel. I didn’t connect the two things then, but I had been wanting to do both things for so long, but was so scared, it felt like nothing short of divine intervention when both happened. A skeptic in my system was probably just a part who came forward — sorry, I skipped a couple of words. I’m getting very anxious doing this.
A skeptic in my system says it was probably just a part who came forward to do it, but regardless, I maintain that an act of something bigger than us was at least somewhat responsible.
Parts of us want us to go through our video line by line and analyze everything, but I don’t think that is what we should do at this time. Because it’s our first video, I want to come at it in a bigger picture type of way.
I see we’ve used the word bigger twice in a row here and I would edit it out to avoid repetitive language, but I think in this case it’s important to leave it as it is because it brings to focus what I want to talk about most.
I spoke a lot in that video about higher power and I have said much more about it on this channel since. In the past two years, my relationship with higher power has changed in myriad ways and yet remained exactly the same.
I don’t know how much sense that could make to someone unless they experienced it for themselves. Until I was 17 years old, that would not have made any sense to me, but as I was coming out of the programming during that time, I had a mushroom trip that taught me the paradox of nonduality and it has been resonating in the core of my being ever since, making sense out of the nonsensical for me in ways I could never hope to mentally do for myself.
So yeah, my relationship with higher power has evolved, but it hasn’t. In so many ways, I feel that I am exactly the same person as I was then, which truthfully feels like a shock to me, but that’s probably only because I have d.i.d.. I digress…
There are a few things other parts want to say, so I’ll let them take over from here.
Hi, I’m a part of the system who wants to focus more on the details of what we said. I respect that part’s desire to approach it in a more general way, but I want to get specific about some things that I would have done differently if I were to make the video now. I want to be clear that I am in no way invalidating anything that the alter who spoke in it said at the time. Everything they said was true for them. We’re just more integrated now so we have some things to add.
One of the first things we noticed in watching it was that we were very dehydrated. At the time, we were used to neglecting our needs for basic physical self-care on a level we aren’t anymore. So if I were to do the video now, I’d start by drinking some water and choosing a better location than the bathroom we recorded it in. It had a huge fluorescent light that was terrible for us as an autistic survivor of Mk, but we were too dissociated to accept that we couldn’t handle it for some time.
We also noticed that we made a grammatical error rather quickly, which we attribute to overstimulation and anxiety. It probably would’ve helped us to slow down, take deeper breaths and speak more slowly. Something we’ve learned on a much corer level since then is that we can calm ourselves by doing things at a calmer pace. It’s not that it can’t be helpful for us to do things as quickly as our anxiety compels us to. Just this afternoon, we did some rapid stimming to calm ourselves down and it was very effective. However, we have learned that generally speaking, if we do things the way we would if calmer, a feeling of calm tends to follow.
At the time though, I recall feeling that I had to just get the words out, that I would never do it if I waited until I felt calm enough to, and that an anxious video was better than no video, and I think I was right about that. I would venture to say that feeling may have been, if not the actual miracle that alter was talking about, then at least a result of it. While we have taken extreme care to be mindful in all we’ve done on this channel, an attitude of “fuck it” has always been required at the core.
The first big addition I would make to anything I said was the part where I talked about sobriety. It is true that substance abuse was the main addiction I needed to address when I woke up from ra/mc at the age of 17, but I would like to add that sex addiction was of equal issue in our life and that if we hadn’t tackled that at the same time, we would not have gotten out.
One of the deepest ways in which people tend to be controlled in ra/mc is through sex and we had to spend the first two years of our recovery celibate so that we could work on healing from our sexual traumas and prevent ourselves from getting accessed by partners “fashioned” for us by the cult.
Being a naturally sexual person with an inclination towards polyamory and kink within the queer community, this would have been challenging for us without the Mk, but with all the Mk we had been subjected to, it was much harder and, inconveniently enough, much more necessary.
I know we have already talked about the issue of sexual compulsivity in videos since [accidental cough], but I wanted to emphasize it here.
Sorry, something got stuck in my throat. That was poor timing, I think, but that’s just the way it is.
Something else that we want to add onto is the part where we talked about twelve-step programs. We almost immediately displayed serious terror about saying anything negative about them, which honestly just speaks to how unhealthy most of them were for us. We have since left all twelve-step groups and until we go to review the videos we’ve made about that, we’ll just leave a link to them in the description for anyone who wants to know more.
On the subject of sobriety itself, there is another huge point I want to make. In our first video, we said nothing about weed, but in videos since we have shared that we started smoking weed about exactly a year ago and it has been serving us well in our healing process. This is still true for us.
Lately, we’ve been finding that if we smoke too much, particularly at night, we are prone to having vivid flashbacks that we can handle but don’t altogether want to deal with, so moderation is definitely important, but smoking weed has been a good thing for us since we started again. It helped parts of us deprogram as a teenager, although I can’t say much about that still, and it is helping us now.
So if we could amend what we said at all, we’d say that sobriety from drugs and alcohol can be vitally important and at least some of the time we spent in total abstinence in recovery groups might’ve been necessary, but some drugs are worse than others and having addictions in Mk was not ultimately a reason to reject all substances with medicinal properties.
That brings me to another important point. I have mostly avoided talking about psych meds on this channel, as I still have a lot of trauma around them, but if I could have, I would have at least mentioned them in that video and how they may be helpful and necessary for some people, but we’ve had to let go of them completely because there were too many ways in which they were used to access us. Weed has proved to be a much safer avenue for us all.
I have a sudden feeling that this is getting long and I should stop this here for now. I have more to say, but I’ll save that for another video.
So that concludes part one of this. I hope this is helpful for someone. Doing this is very daunting for us and we still can’t touch on everything parts of our system want to say, but we’re doing our best to share what we collectively feel is most important.
We give our thanks in advance to all who refrain from trolling us about the scripting. 🙂