Reflections On Our First Video Pt 1 (Basic Steps to Freedom from Ritual Abuse and Mind Control)

We are posting a transcript of what we said in our most recent non-singing video because some people have said they are unable to load it on youtube.

I’m truthfully having a bit of trouble making this post because in addition to it being really triggering for us already, I was just interrupted midway through writing the title by a stranger who I suspect was sent to trigger me so I couldn’t continue. I am at this point, however, determined beyond all conception to get this posted, so I’m going to keep going as best I can.

Here is the video for anyone who happens to be able to watch it: https://youtu.be/vPIt-OWzdEI

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Its description says:

In this video, we share some of our thoughts on our first video from where we are at in our integration process now, over two years later. For those who haven’t seen it or want to see it again, that video can be found here: https://youtu.be/1_KBStZ18x0

Some potentially triggering topics mentioned include: scripting this video, eidetic memory, autism, integration amongst dissociative identities, mirrored language, ra/mc and deprogramming/preventing accessing, miracles, narcopathic father, hyper empathy, terror/anxiety, higher power, psilocybin, nonduality, self-care/soothing, drug/sex addiction and recovery, polyamory/kink/lgbtq, weed and psych meds, being trolled

We’d also like to give a warning that we briefly used profanity around 7-8 minutes and at around 8:40, we cleared our throat at an awkward time and then made a comment about it (cause we’re cool like that).

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We just realized we forgot to include a link to our playlist about recovery from substance abuse (our apologies): https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLtLfUhTHFspKGuhODUfWS0qla_mGHocrg&feature=share

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What we said:

Hi guys, this is Dylan and this is our first attempt at writing a fully scripted video. In the past, we have used our eidetic memory to help us plan out parts of what we wanted to say ahead of time, but we’ve never actually written a script like this for ourselves to read in any of these videos before.

We have, however, decided that in order to at least get started with this series, this is the way that we as an autistic, actively integrating dissociative need to do it, so here we are.

In this video, we are going to be reviewing our first video, which we recorded and posted over two years ago.

To start, we would like to share the sentence in the video that we think encapsulates where we were at and the message we were trying to communicate the most. I want to preface this by saying that we unintentionally used mirrored language, so this may be triggering for some survivors of ra/mc.

[Short pause]

The sentence was:

“I do still have many dissociative parts, I still do struggle, like I said, with programming, but I’m able to make this video and that’s a miracle.”

In watching the video over in preparation for this one, these words stuck out to me in part because of the mirrored language. One of the biggest fears we had in coming forward was that we would unintentionally trigger people due to programming, both past and present, and simple human error.

Speaking in mirrors is a common programming technique and while I know that we meant no harm to anyone whatsoever, it scares us that we have done it on our channel.

That being said, one of the things we have gained since we made that video is a lot more understanding for ourselves around such things. We now know on a much corer level that we could remove all programs in our system and be completely free from accessing for some time and still speak in ways that are reflective of the cult because we grew up there. Our life was saturated in it. It was our culture, our life, our family, our world in so many ways and we can hate it and be horrified by it, but we will always reflect it in some way, no matter how subtly, and we need to accept that if we are to move forward in our healing.

Now that I’ve watched the video over, I don’t feel so tormented by it, but I was deeply afraid to even watch it because of how much the alter speaking reminded me of my father at that time. While the energy with which they made the video was one of hyper empathy for our fellow victims, many of them his, they had clearly spent a lot of time around him as a child, absorbing his manner of speaking. And because we are autistic, we are used to people confusing our way of speaking with that of a narcissist or sociopath already, so the idea of sounding like our narcopathic father scares us to the core. But yeah, I feel a lot less triggered around that now cause I can see how deeply that part was speaking out of love.

So the other reason that I wanted to start with that quote was the acknowledgement that being able to make that video in the state I was in was a miracle. At the time, I was so terrified, I do not have the words to describe it. I still don’t have the words to describe how much terror I feel even now, but back then it was so much worse and the courage to get started really was a miracle.

I was actually just talking to my partner yesterday about how it felt like a miracle when I sang on the street for the first time, a few months before I created this channel. I didn’t connect the two things then, but I had been wanting to do both things for so long, but was so scared, it felt like nothing short of divine intervention when both happened. A skeptic in my system was probably just a part who came forward — sorry, I skipped a couple of words. I’m getting very anxious doing this.

A skeptic in my system says it was probably just a part who came forward to do it, but regardless, I maintain that an act of something bigger than us was at least somewhat responsible.

Parts of us want us to go through our video line by line and analyze everything, but I don’t think that is what we should do at this time. Because it’s our first video, I want to come at it in a bigger picture type of way.

I see we’ve used the word bigger twice in a row here and I would edit it out to avoid repetitive language, but I think in this case it’s important to leave it as it is because it brings to focus what I want to talk about most.

I spoke a lot in that video about higher power and I have said much more about it on this channel since. In the past two years, my relationship with higher power has changed in myriad ways and yet remained exactly the same.

I don’t know how much sense that could make to someone unless they experienced it for themselves. Until I was 17 years old, that would not have made any sense to me, but as I was coming out of the programming during that time, I had a mushroom trip that taught me the paradox of nonduality and it has been resonating in the core of my being ever since, making sense out of the nonsensical for me in ways I could never hope to mentally do for myself.

So yeah, my relationship with higher power has evolved, but it hasn’t. In so many ways, I feel that I am exactly the same person as I was then, which truthfully feels like a shock to me, but that’s probably only because I have d.i.d.. I digress…

There are a few things other parts want to say, so I’ll let them take over from here.

Hi, I’m a part of the system who wants to focus more on the details of what we said. I respect that part’s desire to approach it in a more general way, but I want to get specific about some things that I would have done differently if I were to make the video now. I want to be clear that I am in no way invalidating anything that the alter who spoke in it said at the time. Everything they said was true for them. We’re just more integrated now so we have some things to add.

One of the first things we noticed in watching it was that we were very dehydrated. At the time, we were used to neglecting our needs for basic physical self-care on a level we aren’t anymore. So if I were to do the video now, I’d start by drinking some water and choosing a better location than the bathroom we recorded it in. It had a huge fluorescent light that was terrible for us as an autistic survivor of Mk, but we were too dissociated to accept that we couldn’t handle it for some time.

We also noticed that we made a grammatical error rather quickly, which we attribute to overstimulation and anxiety. It probably would’ve helped us to slow down, take deeper breaths and speak more slowly. Something we’ve learned on a much corer level since then is that we can calm ourselves by doing things at a calmer pace. It’s not that it can’t be helpful for us to do things as quickly as our anxiety compels us to. Just this afternoon, we did some rapid stimming to calm ourselves down and it was very effective. However, we have learned that generally speaking, if we do things the way we would if calmer, a feeling of calm tends to follow.

At the time though, I recall feeling that I had to just get the words out, that I would never do it if I waited until I felt calm enough to, and that an anxious video was better than no video, and I think I was right about that. I would venture to say that feeling may have been, if not the actual miracle that alter was talking about, then at least a result of it. While we have taken extreme care to be mindful in all we’ve done on this channel, an attitude of “fuck it” has always been required at the core.

The first big addition I would make to anything I said was the part where I talked about sobriety. It is true that substance abuse was the main addiction I needed to address when I woke up from ra/mc at the age of 17, but I would like to add that sex addiction was of equal issue in our life and that if we hadn’t tackled that at the same time, we would not have gotten out.

One of the deepest ways in which people tend to be controlled in ra/mc is through sex and we had to spend the first two years of our recovery celibate so that we could work on healing from our sexual traumas and prevent ourselves from getting accessed by partners “fashioned” for us by the cult.

Being a naturally sexual person with an inclination towards polyamory and kink within the queer community, this would have been challenging for us without the Mk, but with all the Mk we had been subjected to, it was much harder and, inconveniently enough, much more necessary.

I know we have already talked about the issue of sexual compulsivity in videos since [accidental cough], but I wanted to emphasize it here.

Sorry, something got stuck in my throat. That was poor timing, I think, but that’s just the way it is.

Something else that we want to add onto is the part where we talked about twelve-step programs. We almost immediately displayed serious terror about saying anything negative about them, which honestly just speaks to how unhealthy most of them were for us. We have since left all twelve-step groups and until we go to review the videos we’ve made about that, we’ll just leave a link to them in the description for anyone who wants to know more.

***

On the subject of sobriety itself, there is another huge point I want to make. In our first video, we said nothing about weed, but in videos since we have shared that we started smoking weed about exactly a year ago and it has been serving us well in our healing process. This is still true for us.

Lately, we’ve been finding that if we smoke too much, particularly at night, we are prone to having vivid flashbacks that we can handle but don’t altogether want to deal with, so moderation is definitely important, but smoking weed has been a good thing for us since we started again. It helped parts of us deprogram as a teenager, although I can’t say much about that still, and it is helping us now.

So if we could amend what we said at all, we’d say that sobriety from drugs and alcohol can be vitally important and at least some of the time we spent in total abstinence in recovery groups might’ve been necessary, but some drugs are worse than others and having addictions in Mk was not ultimately a reason to reject all substances with medicinal properties.

That brings me to another important point. I have mostly avoided talking about psych meds on this channel, as I still have a lot of trauma around them, but if I could have, I would have at least mentioned them in that video and how they may be helpful and necessary for some people, but we’ve had to let go of them completely because there were too many ways in which they were used to access us. Weed has proved to be a much safer avenue for us all.

I have a sudden feeling that this is getting long and I should stop this here for now. I have more to say, but I’ll save that for another video.

So that concludes part one of this. I hope this is helpful for someone. Doing this is very daunting for us and we still can’t touch on everything parts of our system want to say, but we’re doing our best to share what we collectively feel is most important.

We give our thanks in advance to all who refrain from trolling us about the scripting. ­čÖé

 

Deprogramming Pt 2 – A Note About Suicide Programming

Hi everyone, this is Part 2 of my Deprogramming Series, uploaded on 11/10/17. In this video, I give an additional disclaimer about suicide programming.

I ask that you be extra careful in watching this video, however, because in March of 2018, I discovered that someone had implanted subliminal images in the beginning of two of my videos. I don’t know how many of my videos have been affected by this, so this is yet another reason why I am transcribing my videos here.

Trigger warning: Mk Ultra/Monarch mind control, dissociative identities, deprogramming, suicide programming, working with parts, grounding exercises, psychiatric hospitalization, calling ambulances

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Edited transcript:

Hello, my name is Katy Groves and this is part two of my series about how I have been systematically deprogramming myself from trauma-based mind control for the last three and a half years. This video is meant to be watched after my previous video, the first one, titled “Introduction & Disclaimer,” and before any other videos in the series. This video is an additional disclaimer, specifically about suicide programming.

Now, this is only a risk that would apply to survivors of mind control. If you know for a fact you’re not a survivor of mind control, then this does not apply to you, but if you think you might be, then I suggest that you listen very carefully to what I’m about to say.

One of the most profound risks in deprogramming oneself, especially if one does not have a safe therapist (which can be hard to find for these issues), is the risk of suicide programming. Suicide programming is mind control programming – forced sequences of behavior carried out dissociatively, often without a person’s conscious knowledge – that forces a person to commit suicide. So a person who’s activated in this way would typically go into a trance (they may or may not be aware of it at the time, consciously) and they may kill themselves or attempt to kill themselves without consciously choosing to do so.

This is a very scary thing. I’m scared making this video. I hope that what I’ve said in this video so far has not activated anyone in that programming, but I know that just hearing about it can activate some survivors. I think it’s important though to share this first before someone who’s trying to deprogram themselves uses my videos because the last thing that I want is for someone to watch this stuff and try to use these tools before they’re able to find safe parts within themselves that can protect them from this threat of suicide programming.

So I will speak from my personal experience as a mind control survivor. I have struggled a lot with suicide programming, especially in the first few months that I was deprogramming myself. And in that time, when I would become overwhelmed or I would come upon a program that was booby trapped with this programming, I would suddenly go into dissociative parts or dissociative parts would try to take over that would try to force me to leave the house and commit suicide in a very specific way.

This was very terrifying for me and I checked myself into a crisis stabilization unit a few times. I was even hospitalized for between three days and seven days at a time, a few different times, in order to prevent those parts from taking over and give myself a chance to stabilize and get ahold of my system. This was very frightening and obviously I did not succeed in killing myself. I did not even attempt to do so, but I did have threats from parts who were programmed that way and it was a result from trying to deprogram programs that I was not yet able to contain, that I did not yet have the tools to truly handle.

And so, I share this not to give people advice on how they can treat themselves for this issue – I don’t know what you need to do to heal yourself or prevent yourself from hurting yourself in these ways – but I do know that it is important to at least inform anyone who wishes to watch these videos that this is a risk and that even if you’re unaware that you have this programming, you might have it. Most survivors I’ve talked to have it and so, I think it is something to be aware of.

I think the most important thing for me, before going into the heavy trauma work, was to find safe adult parts of myself that could hold space for the little kids inside. So before I was able to really deprogram myself I had to spend a lot of time meeting dissociative parts and learning about part of my dissociative system, getting enough information about who I have inside to find the parts of me that could stop us physically from hurting ourselves if we became activated.

Mind control programs are created by programmers with no intention of being stopped by the victim and so it can be very difficult to go up against them (I will post more videos that explain why it is so hard to interrupt and stop a mind control program), but it is possible to neutralize them. I have found that for me, doing grounding techniques, learning to get connected to the present moment, breathing (calming my fear), etc. has been helpful. Squeezing my fists has been really helpful for me too. It’s helped my blood to circulate, helped me to come back into my body… Anything that gets me connected to the present moment (out of the dissociation) can help anchor me in safer parts of myself who will prevent those programs from taking over and resulting in suicide.

So I also called suicide hotlines during the few months when I was in and out of hospitals trying to deprogram myself and so I’ve put a list of them down below. I can’t verify that any of these organizations are safe, but I can tell you that I have benefitted from calling [some of] them. Nothing bad has happened to me as a result of calling them. I’ve never actually called 911 on myself because I had a support person at the time living in my home who I was able to ask for help when these things happened. I was able to get rides to the crisis stabilization unit and get her general support, which was really helpful for me. So I never had to call 911 on myself, but I probably would have done so if I had not had another option, as I did not have a car and I don’t believe it would have been safe for me to drive when I was so dissociated. So if that’s something you have to do, if you feel you’re at that much risk, calling 911 [or an alternative emergency number] may be a good option.

Whatever it has taken for me to save myself has been worth it. Getting through the early stages of my deprogramming without committing suicide was difficult, but it happened and so I believe that it is possible for others too.

I also did not have a safe therapist at the time. I shared that in my last video. I have never been able to find a safe therapist, one who can actually treat me for my ritual abuse and mind control trauma and my DID, but I have called therapists before in crisis who have helped to some degree. And so, if you find yourself in this place and you have a safe therapist, definitely, I would suggest you consider that an option.

So, that’s it. Caution in watching this series is advised. I’m going to be sharing a lot of heavy things in the upcoming videos and I hope that you all find them helpful. Thank you.

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Original transcript:

Hello, my name is Katy Groves and this is part two of my series about how I have been systematically deprogramming myself from trauma-based mind control for the last three and a half years. This video is to be watched before any other videos are watched in the series and is preferably watched after the viewer watches my previous video, the first one, titled “Introduction & Disclaimer.” This video is an additional disclaimer, specifically about suicide programming.

Now, this is only a risk that would apply to survivors of mind control. If you’re – if you know for a fact you’re not a survivor of mind control, then this does not apply to you, but if you think you might be, then I suggest that you listen very carefully to what I’m about to say.

One of the most profound risks in deprogramming oneself, especially if one does not have a safe therapist (which can be hard to find for these issues), is the risk of suicide programming. Suicide programming is mind control programs, forced sequences of behavior carried out dissociatively, often without a person’s conscious knowledge… And it is a mind control program that forces a person to commit suicide. So a person who’s activated in this way would typically go into a trance (they may or may not be aware of it at the time, consciously) and they may kill themselves or attempt to kill themselves without consciously choosing to do so.

This is a very scary thing. I’m scared making this video. I hope I have not even activated anyone so far in that programming, but just hearing about it can activate some survivors. I think it’s important though to share this first before someone will use my videos who’s trying to deprogram themselves because the last thing that I want is for someone to prematurely watch this stuff and try to use these tools before they’re able to find safe parts within themselves that can protect them from this threat of suicide programming.

So I will speak from my personal experience as a mind control survivor. I have struggled a lot with suicide programming, especially in the first few months that I was deprogramming myself. And in that time, when I would become overwhelmed or I would come upon a program that was booby trapped with this programming, I would suddenly go into dissociative parts or dissociative parts would try to take over that would try to force me to leave the house and commit suicide in a very specific way.

This was very terrifying for me and I checked myself into a crisis stabilization unit a few times. I was even hospitalized for between three days and seven days at a time, a few different times, in order to prevent those parts from taking over and give myself a chance to stabilize and get ahold of my system. This was very frightening and obviously I did not succeed in killing myself. I did not even attempt to do so, but I did have threats from parts who were programmed that way and it was a result from trying to deprogram programs that I was not yet able to contain, that I did not have the tools yet to truly handle.

And so, I share this not to give people advice on how they can treat themselves in this way – I don’t know what you need to do to heal yourself or prevent yourself from hurting yourself in these ways – but I do know that it is important to at least inform anyone who wishes to watch these videos that this is a risk and that even if you’re unaware that you have this programming you might have it and… In fact, most survivors I’ve talked to have it… And so, it is something to be aware of.

I think the most important thing for me was to find safe adult parts of myself, before going into the heavy trauma work, that could hold space for the little kids inside. So before I was able to really deprogram myself I had to do a lot – spend a lot of time meeting dissociative parts and learning about part of my dissociative system, getting enough information about who I have inside to find the parts of me that could stop us physically from hurting ourselves if we became activated.

Mind control programs are created by programmers with no intention of being stopped by the victim and so it can be very, very difficult going up against these. And I will post more videos that explain why it is so hard to interrupt and stop a mind control program. But it is possible to neutralize it. I have found that for me, doing grounding techniques, learning to get connected to the present moment, breathing (calming my fear)… Squeezing my fists like this has been really helpful to me, helping my blood to circulate, helping me to come back into my body… Anything to get me connected to the present moment (out of the dissociation) can help anchor me in safer parts of myself who will prevent those programs from taking over and resulting in suicide.

So I’ve also called suicide hotlines before during this period of time, these few months when I was in and out of these hospitals trying to deprogram myself, and so I’ve put a list of suicide hotlines down below. I can’t verify that any of these organizations are safe, but I can tell you that I have benefitted from calling those hotlines, nothing bad has happened to me as a result of calling them, and I’ve never actually called 911 on myself because I had a support person at the time living in my home who I was able to ask for help when these things happened and I was able to get rides to the crisis stabilization unit and get her support and so, that was really helpful for me. So I never had to call 911 on myself, but I probably would have done so if I had not had another option, as I did not have a car and I don’t believe it would have been safe for me to drive when I was in that condition cause I was so disassociated. So if that’s something you have to do, if you feel you’re at that much risk, calling 911 may be a good option. Whatever it takes, you know, whatever it has taken for me to save myself has been worth it and getting through the early stages of my deprogramming without committing suicide was difficult, but it happened and so I believe that it is possible for others too.

I also did not have a safe therapist at the time. I shared that in my last video. I have never been able to find a safe therapist, one who can actually treat me for my ritual abuse and mind control trauma and my DID, but I have called therapists before in crisis who have helped to some degree. And so, if you find yourself in this place and you have a safe therapist, definitely, I would suggest you consider that an option. So, that’s all. Viewer discretion is advised. I’m going to be sharing a lot of heavy things in the upcoming videos and I hope that you all find them helpful. Thank you.

Deprogramming Pt 1 – Introduction & Disclaimer

Hi everyone, this is Part 1 of my Deprogramming Series, uploaded on 11/7/17. In this video, I introduce myself and give some disclaimers.

I ask that you be extra careful in watching this video, however, because in March of 2018, I discovered that someone had implanted subliminal images in the beginning of two of my videos. I don’t know how many of my videos have been affected by this, so this is yet another reason why I am transcribing my videos here.

Trigger warning: Satanic ritual abuse, Mk Ultra/Monarch mind control, Polyfragmented DID, deprogramming, therapy, cult-planned therapists, being an ex-programmer

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Edited transcript:

Hello, my name is Katy Groves and I am a survivor of ritual abuse and mind control programming. This video is meant to serve as a disclaimer for my upcoming series on how I have personally deprogrammed myself in part from ritual abuse and mind control programming.

Like I said, I have partially deprogrammed myself. I have done a tremendous amount of work in the last three and a half years to free myself. I’ve largely integrated myself from Polyfragmented Dissociative Identity Disorder and I’ve gone to great lengths to free myself from the mind control programming that kept me bound to the Satanic cult in which I was raised for seventeen years.

To my knowledge, I am no longer in contact with any members of the cult or any other cult, however I do not claim perfect freedom. I still have programs that activate that keep me bound in self-harm (mostly emotional), depression and dysfunction. I do not, however, have any programs, to my knowledge, that keep me going to cult members. I do not have any reporting alters, to my knowledge, that force me to report things to the cult. However, I am not confident that these things aren’t happening dissociatively and so I do not wish to paint myself in any kind of false light.

I’m not perfectly healed, I struggle with the same things that most survivors of mind control suffer from for all of their lives and so I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea. But like I said, I have done a lot to heal myself and I believe at this stage of my healing I am safe to make videos sharing my experience and the tools that I have developed for healing myself from mind control programming.

Now, the important part is “healing myself.” I can only heal myself. I have no idea what anyone else needs. I may have some ideas, basic ideas, of what’s generally helpful for people who’ve been mind-controlled and what isn’t, but I cannot tell anyone what they need. It’s not my place to even speak in a general way about what anyone other than myself needs to break free from mind control. So I’m speaking only from my experience and I do not wish for anyone to try these things blindly.

(I’d like to note that at this point in the video, I switch states and begin speaking from an alter who says “I encourage…” a lot. I am sorry for the immediate inconsistency here about giving advice. While we do generally agree with their suggestions, we did our best to limit what they said.)

If you hear something that inspires you, I encourage you to look within yourself and ask yourself if it is truly what you need in that moment and if it’s safe for you to try it in whatever setting, whatever capacity you can.

So the next thing I want to say is that I’m not a therapist. I do not have any therapeutic training whatsoever. My psychoanalytic training was actually as a mind control programmer in the cult in which I was raised. I’m a government mind control survivor and I was programmed to program others. I was given a very intensive education around how to do that and how to control other people’s minds and that’s largely why I’ve been able to free myself. There are other key factors in place that made this possible, but one of the biggest things was my analytic knowledge, my education that was forced upon me from an extremely young age about mind control science. And so I do have a lot of knowledge of that and that is what I am going to share, but I have no therapeutic training and I do not wish for anyone to mistake the things I say as professional opinion.

You can even write off everything I say as complete lunacy, as all a delusion, if you like. It’s not really my business what you do with this, but I want to make sure that people are informed that I’m a young adult without even a high school diploma and I’m not qualified to give anyone any kind of professional advice.

A trigger warning for this series: the things I’m going to share may be highly activating for survivors. They may be upsetting for anyone, but they may be highly activating for survivors, especially those who’ve been programmed in the Monarch program, which is what I endured. So, to those of you who’ve been through Mk Ultra and Monarch mind control, watch this with extreme caution. I’m not going to go into too much detail about the abuse. I’m going to do my absolute best to be as focused on healing as possible, but I am going to have to talk about the mechanics of programming in order to help the viewer understand how to deprogram themselves.

A lot of how I’ve deprogrammed myself is through self-education and awareness, bringing the programmer parts of my mind into co-consciousness with the parts of me that were programmed without awareness of what mind control programming is about. That’s been a huge part of my healing, so I am going to talk about the mechanics of that stuff. I encourage anyone who watches this to check in with themselves frequently. I encourage survivors with multiple parts to ask their parts how they feel when they watch my videos and how they feel about me.

I might not be the person to deliver this message to you, so I encourage anyone who watches this to ask themselves if they even think that I’m healed enough to be giving them this information from a survivor-to-survivor perspective. I never know who is going to carry the message to me and who isn’t, so if I’m not that person, I encourage you to look elsewhere. But if something I say resonates with you, I encourage you to keep listening if you feel that it is safe for you to do so.

Lastly, I want to say that, as I’m not a therapist, having a safe therapist who can help you go through the process of deprogramming yourself may be vital for you. Again, I’m not trying to speak for anyone or give anyone advice, however I will say that it is strongly recommended by most of the literature I’ve read and most of the professionals I’ve spoken to that we survivors have professionals who we can go to for support.

Now, that’s not always possible. I personally have not been able to find a safe therapist. In fact, many of the therapists I’ve had – if not all of them – have been planned by the cult that I grew up in. I believe there may have been one who wasn’t, but most were part of the cult or programmed by the cult to keep my programming in line. They were there to oppress survivors, pretend to be helpful, but really be there as agents of the cult and the cult network, the network of ritual abusers who work together to keep their victims enslaved.

If you can, you may benefit from finding a safe therapist if you don’t have one already. That would be the most frequently recommended way to try any kind of approach to healing from trauma-based mind control – to use any of the tools that I share or any that you find elsewhere. Basically, it’s not encouraged by the professional community to treat yourself.

However, I myself have had to do that. I’ve had to heal mostly on my own, so that is part of what I have to offer. I can testify that it has been possible for me to break free largely on my own.

Okay, my video is about to time out. I can only do nine minutes or so at a time. So I hope that I’ve said what’s needed to be said and in the next video I’m going to address another, final piece of this disclaimer about suicide programming. Thank you.

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Original transcript:

Hello, my name is Katy Groves and I am a survivor of ritual abuse and mind control programming. This video is meant to serve as a disclaimer for my upcoming series on how I have personally deprogrammed myself in part from ritual abuse and mind control programming.

Like I said, I have partially deprogrammed myself. I have done a tremendous amount of work in the last three and a half years to free myself. I’ve largely integrated myself from Polyfragmented Dissociative Identity Disorder and I’ve gone to great lengths to free myself from the mind control programming that kept me bound to the Satanic cult in which I was raised for seventeen years.

To my knowledge, I am no longer in contact with any members of the cult or any other cult, however I do not claim perfect freedom. I still have programs that activate that really just keep me bound in self-harm, mostly emotional, and depression and dysfunction, but I do not have any programs, to my knowledge, that keep me going to cult members. I do not have any reporting alters, to my knowledge, that force me to report things to the cult. However, I am not confident that these things aren’t happening dissociatively and so I do not wish to paint myself in any kind of false light.

I’m not perfectly healed, I struggle with the same things that most survivors of mind control suffer from for the rest of their lives and so I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea. But like I said, I have done a lot to heal myself and I believe at this stage of my healing I feel safe and I don’t feel like I’m putting anyone at risk by making videos sharing my experience and the tools that I have developed for healing myself from mind control programming.

Now, the key word is healing “myself.” I can only heal myself. I have no idea what anyone else needs. I may have some ideas, basic ideas, of what’s generally helpful for people who’ve been mind-controlled and what isn’t, but I cannot tell anyone what they need and it’s not my place to even speak in a general way about what anyone other than myself needs to break free from mind control. So I’m speaking only from my experience and I do not wish for anyone to try these things blindly.

If you hear something that inspires you, I encourage you to look within yourself and ask yourself if it is truly what you need in that moment and if it’s safe for you to try in whatever setting, whatever capacity you can.

So, the second thing I want to say, the next thing I want to say is that I’m not a therapist. I do not have any therapeutic training whatsoever. My training, actually, my psychoanalytic training, came as a mind control programmer in the cult in which I was raised. I’m a government mind control survivor and I was programmed to program others. And I was given a very intensive education around how to do that and how to control other people’s minds. And that’s largely why I’ve been able to free myself. There are other key factors in place that made this possible, but one of the biggest things was my analytic knowledge, my education that was forced upon me from an extremely young age about mind control science. And so I do have a lot of knowledge of that and that is what I am going to share, but I have no therapeutic training and I do not wish for anyone to mistake the things I say as professional opinion.

You can even write everything off I say as complete lunacy, as all a delusion, if you like. It’s not really my business what you do with this, but I want to make sure that people are informed that I’m a young adult without even a high school diploma and I’m not qualified to give anyone any kind of professional advice.

So… What else was I going to say? I just went blank. It happens to me a lot. Trigger warning. That’s what I want to say. Sorry if that came out in a triggering way.

The things I’m going to share may be highly activating for survivors. They may be upsetting for anyone, but they may be highly activating for survivors, especially those who’ve been programmed in the Monarch program, which is what I endured. So, to those of you who’ve been through Mk Ultra and Monarch mind control, watch this with extreme caution. I’m not going to go into too much detail about the abuse. I’m going to do my absolute best to be as focused on healing as possible, but I am going to have to talk about the mechanics of programming in order to help the viewer understand how to deprogram themselves.

A lot of how I’ve deprogrammed myself is through self-education and awareness, bringing the programmer parts of my mind into co-consciousness with the parts of me that were programmed without awareness of what mind control programming is about. That’s been a huge part of my healing and so I am going to talk about the mechanics of that stuff. So I encourage anyone who watches this to check in with themselves frequently, for survivors with multiple parts to ask your parts how you feel and ask your parts how you feel about me.

I might not be the person to deliver this message to you and so I encourage anyone who watches this to ask themselves if they even think that I’m healed enough to be giving them this information, from a survivor-to-survivor perspective. You never know- I never know, I’ll say, I never know who is gonna carry the message to me and who isn’t. So if I’m not that person, I encourage you to look elsewhere, but if something I say resonates with you, I encourage you to keep listening if you feel that it is safe for you to do so.

Lastly, I want to say that, as I’m not a therapist, having a safe therapist who can help you go through the process of deprogramming yourself may be vital for you. Again, I’m not trying to speak for anyone or give anyone advice, however I will say that it is strongly recommended by all the literature and all the professionals that we survivors have professionals who we can go to for support.

Now, that’s not always possible. I personally have not been able to find a safe therapist. In fact, many of the therapists I’ve had, if not all of them (I believe there was one, at least one who wasn’t)- many of the therapists I’ve had have been planned by the cult that I grew up in, who were part of the cult or programmed by the cult to keep my programming in line, to oppress survivors, pretend to be helpful, but really be there as agents of the cult and of the cult network, the network of ritual abusers who work together to keep their victims enslaved.

I lost track of what I was saying. This may happen to me a lot. I’m still polyfragmented and I switch every few seconds sometimes, so please forgive me.

Safe therapists: if you can, find a safe therapist if you don’t have one already. That would be the recommended way to do any other kind of healing approach, to use any of the tools that I share, to use any tools that you find elsewhere. Basically, it’s not encouraged by the professional community to treat yourself.

However, I myself have had to do that, mostly on my own, and so that’s part of what I have to offer- is that it is possible, it has been possible for me to break free largely on my own.

Okay, my video is about to time out. I can only do nine minutes or so at a time. So I hope that I’ve said what’s needed to be said and in the next video I’m going to address another, final piece of this disclaimer about suicide programming. Thank you.

Welcome

My name is Katy Groves and I am a survivor of CIA child trafficking, Satanic ritual abuse and Monarch/Mk Ultra. I endured 17 years of experimentation and use before I realized what was going on. Since then, I have worked tirelessly to heal. I was ultimately forced to become homeless in order to gain my freedom, but in September of 2017, I finally found a safe place to live.

I now live in a cozy little apartment on the West Coast of the United States with my boyfriend who is not, to our knowledge, a survivor of organized abuse, but a survivor of trauma in general.

Within a month of moving into our apartment, I was able to create a youtube channel and start posting videos in order to help other survivors find their healing and safety too.

Part of the reason I decided to make a youtube channel is that I wanted to help survivors, but I’m not very comfortable writing on a blog. I’m much more comfortable talking to a camera instead.

So why am I creating this blog now?

Well, the thing is, I’ve posted a huge volume of deprogramming videos, but am not sure just how helpful they are to people in video form.

Nearly all of my videos have been unscripted and as a partially healed survivor, I am still prone to glitching, dissociating and losing track of what I’m saying at times.

So what I’ve decided to do here is post transcripts of all of my deprogramming videos, both of the originals with all the glitching and of edited versions that may be easier to read. That way, people can get the most out of what I have to offer.

Blind people can listen to my videos. Deaf people can read the transcripts.

People who find my videos hard to follow can access written versions that are free of glitching, run-on sentences and background noise.

Eventually, I would like to do this with other videos I’ve made as well, not just the ones from my official Deprogramming Series.

Eventually, I would like to translate all of these videos into other languages. But I neither have access to any of my dissociative knowledge of other languages, nor do I know anyone who is fluent in any other languages who I trust. So I am just going to have to stick to English for now.

I know that I am not the only one who has posted information about deprogramming online, but I think that I have something unique to share and as my message is the only one I have to give, I feel it is my life’s work to make it as easily accessible to all who could benefit from it as possible.

~ Katy